When it comes to seniors and driving safety, caregivers face 3 gears that they need to shift through with older parents:

1)  Driving Safety and Assessment (click here to read the blog)

2) Driving Retirement (read below)

3) Alternative Transportation (click here to read the blog)

This blog is about Gear 2 – perhaps the most difficult of the three gears and definitely one of the most difficult conversations you will have with your older loved one.  In fact, one survey conducted by Caring.com and the National Safety Council found among aging Americans, “giving up the keys” is the least favorite topic to have with an adult child – more seniors would rather discuss their funeral arrangements (29%) or selling and moving from their family home (18%) than talk about not driving anymore (36%).

Knowing how difficult this discussion will be, how do you start?  If you have already shifted through Gear 1 – an assessment of your loved one’s safe driving skills and found the results scarier than the video game Grand Theft Auto, then a conversation needs to happen. One study found most older Americans want to hear about their need to retire their car keys from a spouse (50%) or their doctor (40%) and one-third are open to having the discussion with their adult child.  Caregivers may be the ones to determine when driving retirement needs to happen but it is helpful to engage either your other parent or a doctor to help your parent see the reality of his/her driving future.  One thing is certain – the last person your parent wants to hear they should not drive anymore is a law enforcement officer.

Following are my 5 tips on how to have the conversation, along with some tools and tips to help with this dialogue.  I call it the “Driving Miss Daisy” conversation plan:

1. Never talk about “taking away” without “giving something in return.”

I recommend if you are going to change the way your parent gets around you need to have a plan in place to keep them as independent as possible and feeling their freedom and mobility is not entirely gone.  Going from driver’s seat to passenger seat is hard for your older loved one.  Scope out alternative transportation services, costs, your ability or another family member’s ability to be the taxi driver, etc.  Always be offering a solution when identifying a problem.  The National Center on Senior Transportation is a good place to start with a lot of information, resources and connections to statewide departments of transportation.

2. Do your homework.

In addition to researching alternative transportation plans, do some research about having the driving conversation.  There are great tools available to help caregivers.  The Hartford created a list of pertinent questions called the Conversation Inventory.  Having this document shows your loved one this is not a personal issue where you are trying to punish them.  On the contrary you have taken the time to research this issue and ensure together you can create a good plan for everyone.  I also highly recommend videos from both the Alzheimer’s Association and AARP.  They give you good tips on how to have the conversation.  In one Alzheimer’s Association video, an older woman agrees to sign a contract with her family that if her doctor says it’s time to give up the keys she will do it.

3. Put yourself in your parent’s situation.

Not knowing how you will remain mobile is scary but so is getting behind the wheel of a vehicle that can become a weapon of destruction.  One way to really get in touch with how it feels for your parent is to download a senior driving simulator app called the Driver Seat Game.  The game shows you what happens if you are an 80 or 90-year-old driver and the challenges of maintaining safe driving skills. One user posted this comment, “I want to thank you for making such a great game; it’s nice to know what’s it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes.”

4. Create a strategy.

You need to have a plan on how to have the conversation or the follow-up conversation with your older loved one if a doctor is breaking the news.  One of the best strategies I have found is to compare your parent’s driving health to their physical health. As we age, we know our bodies (and minds) operate differently.  We have to adapt as we face the reality of getting older.  Driving is no different.  It is impossible to think our driving skills and abilities at age 20 are the same at age 80.  This helps put the alternative transportation plan into context.  In the same way your parent can no longer eat spicy Thai or Mexican food without suffering painful heartburn or acid reflux, or your dad can’t navigate stairs as easily or your mom has to give up the stilettos for the kitten heel or flat shoe, driving is the same – adaptation is in order.

5. Try to make it an adventure.

If there is one thing we can be sure about in this life it is that it is always changing.  Change can be good but your parent may not see it that way.  Ensure you help them see a long highway of freedom and independence ahead of them instead of roadblocks. What is essential to remember is this change in their life is about prevention and protection not punishment.

Note:  This blog is an excerpt from A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care by Sherri Snelling (Balboa Press, Feb 2013).