When the news broke early on October 28 that “Friends” TV star and addiction self-help advocate, Matthew Perry, 54, had passed, it brought us all to a pause. From 1994 – 2004, the brilliant comedic actor was one of a six-pack of all-star humor and talent that graced our TV screens every Thursday night for a decade. Perry’s starring role as neurotic Chandler Bing was in an era before streaming and on-demand binge TV watching, where fans tuned in together to watch our favorite friends in their absurdly large rent-controlled NYC apartment or during their hilarious coffee klatches at Central Perk. “Friends” was popular right as the era of watercooler conversations at work were ending.

In fact, that sense of knowing millions of other TV viewers were doing just what you were doing – watching the same show at the same time – created a sense of community. Even if you watched alone and even though the connections with millions of others were mostly virtual, we were not lonely. We saw our “Friends” as part of our chosen family and we bought in to the theme song, “I’ll Be There For You” every week. This was appointment TV as group therapy with laughter at its core.

The Loneliness Epidemic

When the toxicology report showed Perry died from the “acute effects of ketamine,” many worried his hard-fought sobriety had taken a detour but ketamine is a new infusion therapy used to treat depression and anxiety. For decades, Perry had suffered mental health issues as well as physical pain from a previous jet skiing accident self-medicating with alcohol and opioids.

And, despite the fact that we are an over-medicated society who seek pills and prescriptions as bandages never looking long enough at the root cause of our problems, it was not drugs nor alcohol that killed Perry. It was loneliness.

Perry was a brilliant actor whose fan based crossed more than one generation as the number of admirers grew over the years when “Friends” was syndicated to Nick at Nite, sold millions of DVDs and eventually became a go-to on-demand streaming favorite TV show. But it was Perry’s teen fans who felt his goofy nerdiness as Chandler made them feel less alone navigating the growing pains of imminent adulthood and personal identities. However, while Perry helped unknown millions, it appears Perry did not have this same type of role model or “friend” in his real-life social circles.

In May, 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General announced that America was in the grips of a loneliness epidemic where 1 in 2 adults felt lonely. The health impacts of loneliness have been making headlines ever since “Friends” debuted: chronic loneliness is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day, loneliness can also increase your risk for Alzheimer’s, etc. Numerous hypotheses abound on why we are more lonely now in an era where there is more technology than ever to “bring us together.” Yet, as I write in my new book, Me Time Monday, during the recent pandemic our loneliness mindset was exacerbated as we all indulged in cave syndrome. And, as noted above, we previously engage in entertainment collectively – watching the same TV show with millions of others or sitting in a theater with hundreds of others that still gave us a sense of togetherness. Now, we consume entertainment whenever we want but mostly as a solo activity. Being alone is the new normal and it is killing some of us.

Finding Meaning

Many who have felt that void and pang of loneliness have expressed similar wishes. But, loneliness is not something that happens to you, it is something you create. Loneliness is not about the state of being alone or solo, it is about the quality of your relationships. If you are not getting the support and satisfaction from a relationship, it is time to evaluate what you need and why that person or persons do not fill your needs. No one will fix your loneliness, only you can do that. No family member or “friend” will be able to prune your social circle for you. You must analyze and accept those who will support you and those who are only using you for their own gain.

Hollywood is often called a soul-less wasteland, especially when it comes to people who are authentic and caring. If Perry was suffering from some of these toxic relationships, his inability to find quality relationships coupled with his vulnerabilities to use alcohol and drugs to relieve his mental and physical pain was a formula for tragedy.

Some of his family and true friends were encouraged by Perry’s memoir and his newfound spiritual relationship with God. Perry embraced his faith late in life and was finding his way back to a meaningful life where success was not measured by syndication royalty checks or new movie/TV roles but instead by changing his life in a transformative way. In, Me Time Monday, I write that spiritual wellness is one of the seven essential elements to life balance. It also provides a relationship beyond all others we can count on and in effect is protection from loneliness. I believe Perry was just learning this lesson.

He told an E! News TV interviewer in 2022 that he wanted to be known as a “seeker” and also as someone whose main purpose in life is to help others, especially those struggling with addictions as he did. Through the cathartic writing of his book, he was experiencing the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. And finally, he had entered what author, David Kessler, calls the sixth stage of grief: Finding Meaning.

Right before the Thanksgiving holiday, I saw Perry’s mother, Suzanne, and Perry’s stepfather, TV journalist, Keith Morrison (“Dateline”), in my local Newport Coast shopping district. I thought about sharing how much their son had brought laughter to me and so many others but their grief of their loss was etched too deeply on their faces. In fact, it was his stepfather who had to make the positive ID for the coroner after Perry was found drowned in his hot tub.

Instead, I said a prayer for them and for their son who brought happiness to so many but struggled with his personal happiness. And, then I went home and watched some of my favorite Chandler moments from my “Friends” DVD collection: I laughed as Perry winced in pain at Janice’s nasal whine, “Chandler,” as he and Joey became absurd parents to the duck and chick, as he and Ross tried unsuccessfully to move a couch upstairs and as he matured into a leading man evolving from Monica’s crazy one-night-stand to her loving husband. But it was mostly his spot-on comedic timing and acerbic zingers — that “Friends” producers admitted were often ad-libs from the talented Perry — that made me smile and laugh for the 50^th time. Thank you for all the fun and laughter Mattman. May you RIP.